I'd Rather Be.....

Like many of you, I’m not getting any younger. Unfortunately, the passage of time has yet to lead me to professional success. Although I’ll probably just end up going to law school like a nice Jewish girl should, I’ve compiled a list of dream jobs, all of which are well out of my purview.

Futurist
I don’t know a lot about this line of work, but it sounds amazing. Now, I don’t want to do anything dull, like economic forecasting or assessing future health crises. I also don’t want to get bogged down with anything as dreary as “science.” I’m mostly interested in determining the extent to which the future will resemble the Jetsons.

Cake Taster
I have this recurring dream in which I’m trapped inside a giant cake and am forced to eat my way out…

Detective
I don’t mean a police detective. I’m not interested in attending the police academy and spending years as a beat cop. I’m thinking more along the lines of Miss Marple. You know, residing in a quaint cottage in a quaint village in which people happen to be murdered constantly. The inept provincial police would have no choice but to rely on my superior sleuthing skills and reward me handsomely for my troubles.

Modern Artist
Who wouldn’t want to paint a canvas red and sell it for $100,000?

Elf-Hunter
This profession is relegated to Iceland, whose citizens are under the impression that the Lord of the Rings was based on true events. Elf-hunting as a career exists because elves are very difficult to detect with the untrained eye; tracking them down requires the services of a seasoned professional. Note that Icelanders don’t eat elves – they’re a bit gamey – so elf-hunters aren’t out to kill any mythical beings. Rather, if a contractor is concerned that his planned project might encroach on elf territory, he hires an elf-hunter to determine whether the area in question is sufficiently devoid of elf-life so as to be suitable for human development. Alas, the University of Michigan, my alma mater, doesn’t offer degrees in this field.