True Crime Revisited

I am obsessed with true crime shows. Not casually obsessed, autistic obsessed and I’m pissed because I wouldn’t suffer from this condition had my parents done away with all that vaccination nonsense and just let me die.

Now I have a lot to say about true crime shows and the criminal justice system and how I could probably commit the perfect murder if I weren’t such a pussy, so I could theoretically take this post in any number of different directions, but I have on my mind one thing: the disappearance and subsequent murder of Madalyn Murray O’Hair, her mongoloid son and granddaughter.

For those of you not hip to the true crime scene, Madalyn Murray O’Hair founded an organization called the American Atheists and as such was once dubbed “the most hated woman in America,” a description so good it’s been affixed to her name in print ever since. I’m not sure whether people hate atheists or confrontational women (why not both?), but speaking as a feminist and an atheist I can assure you she was objectively unlikeable. So it came as no surprise when, in 1995, this professional shit-stirrer, along with two creepily devoted family members, went missing.

Of course upon hearing of the family’s disappearance, atheists across the country set to work concocting a whole slew of theories implicating those zany fundamentalists in a variety of intricate kidnapping schemes. Although only a stupid person could have seriously speculated about the Vatican’s possible involvement, the majority of the atheists’ theories seemed pretty plausible. After all, in this increasingly modern society, Americans retain the right to talk shit about non-believers and Canadians with absolute impunity even though all right-thinking people know that only Canadians deserve it.

The theories may not have been crazy, but they were wrong. Theories generally are. Why heed the principle of Occam’s razor when elaborate conspiracies involving sexual perversions and international espionage are so much more fun? In the end we learned that the Pope hadn’t driven off into the sunset with the Murray O’Hairs stuffed into the trunk of the Popemobile, however captivating an image that may be. Rather, a disgruntled former employee of the American Atheists and a couple of henchmen carried out a simple extortion and murder plot. Revenge is a disappointingly prosaic motive I know, but sadly truth is seldom stranger than fiction.

Overall, this particular show was as predictable as the crime itself. It was nothing special, but it stuck with me because I’m ashamed and saddened that my fellow non-believers allowed such a grotesque spectacle of a woman to be our spokesperson. If ever a wholesome godless family existed in the public imagination, it’s been supplanted by the Murray O’Hairs, a godless family of freaks. There’s not a doubt in my mind that these people set back the atheist cause, and I’d like to posthumously cross them off of our roster.

So I hereby officially declare that Madalyn Murray O’Hair has been ejected from the irreligious fold. In the interest of fairness and because I appear to end all of my blog entries with lists, below you will find some excommunication suggestions for a few major world religions. Conspicuous in their absence are the Scientologists, but I’ve excluded them because, as a for-profit religion (i.e. cult), they’re not big on excommunication.


To be dispatched:

Catholics: Mel Gibson

Protestants: Jerry Falwell

Jews: Bernie Madoff

Muslims: Osama Bin Laden

Mormons: Marie Osmond – Prior to excommunicating anyone, however, the Mormons have to divulge the secrets of their special underpants.

Hindus: M. Night Shyamalan

Buddhists: Steven Seagal