Our Little Secret

For the past few days I’ve been mulling over the idea of writing a post explaining how to commit the perfect murder. I’ve been reticent to do so because I know that, should a loved-one turn up dead under suspicious circumstances, this blog will be dredged up during my trial as evidence of guilt. I would prefer to avoid this, so please let the record reflect that I am not now, nor will I ever be, a murderer. I just think I’d be good at it. So, here are a few tips from me to you.

WHO
Kill a stranger, somehow enfeebled if at all possible. I know it’s tempting to go after someone who’s wronged you, but then you’re such an obvious suspect. You’ll most definitely find yourself under some pretty intense scrutiny, and every flippant remark, every questionable website visited, will be used as evidence against you. Every asshole you’ve ever rubbed the wrong way will be a character witness for the prosecution. Most damning however is that you’re likely to profit financially from the death of a loved one, either because of a life insurance policy or an inheritance. If profit is a motive for you, kill someone rich and steal their shit.

WHAT
Commission of the “perfect murder.”

WHEN
Don’t be cocky. Crimes are best committed at night when you’re unlikely to be seen and even less likely to be recognized. Not only is it dark, minimizing the odds of any eyewitnesses fingering you as the suspect, but many if not most people are unconscious.

WHERE
The victim’s house is ideal. For obvious reasons you should avoid criminal activity in public places. Remember, the perfect murder leaves behind no witnesses.

WHY
Killing a stranger isn’t a crime of passion, but rather a crime of bloodlust. If you’re following these instructions you’re clearly a psychopath, so there isn’t really a “why” to speak of.

HOW
Choose a clean method of dispatch. Stabbing or beating someone to death is invariably a bad idea. Not only is it gruesome, but the person is going to fight back, and that makes it much more likely that you’ll leave behind blood or DNA evidence. As far as the police are concerned, there’s no good explanation for why bits of you are scattered around a crime scene.

I would also throw out the idea of using a gun. Obtaining the gun legally leaves a problematic paper trail, but even an illegal purchase is a gamble; if the gun is somehow traced back to the black-market seller he could easily snitch. Any gun used in a murder has to be stealthily stolen and effectively disposed of, neither of which is easy.

As to the ideal method, I would recommend obtaining a syringe from a needle exchange or stealing one from a hospital. Use this syringe to inject the victim with a common household poison. In order to administer the injection, you could either attempt to catch your murderee unawares or you could threaten him into submission. If you choose the latter approach, bring a gun. You’re not to fire it under any circumstances, but without a weapon, your threats are empty.

My final suggestion might seem like overkill, but you really can’t be too careful. Prior to entering the victim’s home, you should don a full-body condom a la Leslie Nielson and Priscilla Presley in the Naked Gun. You’ll leave behind no fingerprints, no blood, no DNA, and the victim can’t give you AIDS.

One last thing. Although I don’t condone the murder under any circumstances, if you are going to kill someone for God’s sake don’t tell anyone about it. All of this should be our little secret.