For Your Consideration ....

I’m full of good ideas. Here are three of the best:

IDEA I
Disclaimer: As with many of history’s great ideas, this one presupposes a level of wealth that is most assuredly out of your reach.

As a rule, people prefer clean and tidy to filthy and squalid, the only exceptions being those poor people who exploit themselves on reality shows about hoarding. Unfortunately, cleaning is no fun. The solution since time immemorial has been for the poor to clean up after the rich in exchange for food scraps, but it’s so hard to get good help these days. In those heady years just prior to the French Revolution, members of the court at Versailles would relieve themselves in palace corners, knowing that some unfortunate soul would be dispatched to properly dispose of the royal poo. That kind of domestic staff devotion just doesn’t exist anymore.

The solution? Build a house and destroy it. Don’t do dishes, don’t do laundry, don’t even buy a vacuum cleaner. Poo wherever you’d like. It doesn’t matter, because in a month you’ll be moving house. As you’re busily destroying your current abode, a second house is under construction and will be ready by the time the stench becomes overwhelming. Pack up the kids, if they haven’t yet become wards of the state, and get out of Dodge. Repeat in one month’s time.

IDEA II
La-Z-Boys for everyone. The destructively uncomfortable chairs in public places, particularly in offices and airports, need to be ripped out and replaced with La-Z-Boys. I’m shocked that this idea hasn’t already taken off. Obnoxious coworkers and flight delays are so infuriating, and a cozy armchair would really soften the blow. As a corollary, pajamas should be considered acceptable public attire, particularly in the workplace.

IDEA III
Environmentally speaking, public transportation has an edge over cars. Sadly, public transportation is a great source of misery for all who use it. In New York, the trains are filthy, unreliable, and full of homeless people who want to talk to you about Jesus. In Japan meanwhile, public transportation perversion is rife. If the gaze of a female commuter drifts downward, she’s likely to discover rubbing up against her, the exposed penis of a stranger. Clearly we should replace all current subway and bus routes with roller coasters.

Turning urban centers into giant fun parks is a sure-fire way to increase morale. Riding a roller coaster to work may not be clean and it may not be reliable, but it will be fun. Additionally, the screams will drown out any of that silly Jesus talk and the seat restraints will reduce the incidence of sexual assault. Taken to its logical conclusion, this plan will result in goofy animal costumes for transportation workers and the peddling of cotton candy at every stop.