I’ve decided that, contrary to my previous post, I DO feel the need to rehash Avatar’s inanities. The following are two emails I drafted to my parents shortly after those lost hours spent watching this travesty:
ME: I was cajoled into going to see Avatar over the weekend. I actually hated it even more than I thought I would. It was just unrelentingly retarded. It employed every worn-out Hollywood trope you can imagine. The "intense" scenes are in slow-motion with new age chanting music in the background, and the villains look like they just stepped out of a Bond movie, only they left the irony behind. Its pseudo-science is pseudo to the point of distraction. The action takes place on a planet with water whose atmosphere supports plant and animal life more or less identical to that found on earth, yet humans not only have trouble breathing the air, they can't breath it at all and die without oxygen masks. Plus, it was tedious and boring. Even if you're willing to suspend disbelief and just accept all of the stupidity on screen, it's a completely un-enjoyable movie experience. Do you remember that children's movie, Fern Gully from some time in the 90's? This is Fern Gully with profanity.
DAD: Who cajoled you into going?
ME: A friend of mine wanted to go and he had an extra free pass so I said I'd go since it would only cost me the $600 they charge for a barrel of Diet Coke. When I told my significant other that I was going, he and another friend jumped on board since they were willing to pay the price of the ticket. Anyway, my companions were pretty disappointed, and I only exacerbated their disappointment by rattling off the litany of problems I had with the movie as soon as we left the theater. In the previous email, I forgot to mention the ham-fisted attempts at social commentary. There were lines about how humans had destroyed the earth and had been reduced to mining for resources on other planets, there were lines about pre-emptive strikes against savages, and at one point someone actually uttered the line, "We have to fight terror with terror." Oh, and I forgot to mention that they were mining the planet in question for a resource called, and I swear this is true, UNOBTAINIUM! Part of me still thinks that has to be a joke, but it definitely wasn't presented as such and I was the only one in the theater who laughed.
Firstly, I now realize that UNOBTANIUM is such a stupid name that I can only accurately transcribe it using all caps. I would also like to amend my remarks about Fern Gully. Similar though they are, Fern Gully is neither the most apt nor the funniest imagined Avatar analogue. An episode of South Park later re-titled Avatar, calling it Dances with Smurfs, and this is right on. Indeed, it occurs to me now that the best thing about Avatar is that it didn’t star Kevin Costner.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
UNOBTANIUM???!!!???)
I used to go to the movies a lot. It passes the time, and I find the darkness, frigid air, and quasi-futuristic seating to be conducive to napping. Several years ago, however, it occurred to me that paying $12.00 to sleep through the latest Harry Potter movie was not a good use of my resources, and so I all but ceased movie-going. I would periodically accept invitations from friends seeking a cinema companion, but those invitations were few and far between; my vocal hatred of whatever movie happened to be playing seemed to rub people the wrong way.
Avatar changed everything. I didn’t even pay to see it; my friend had an extra ticket. In fact, had the theater not been so loud and crowded, I would have snoozed for a few hours and gone home happy. Sadly, circumstances were such that I watched, and subsequently decided to boycott the movies.
It takes a really shitty film to destroy the theater-going experience forever, and an even shittier film to accomplish that feat while being essentially free of cost. Avatar was just such a film. I don’t feel the need to rehash all of the inanities (UNOBTANIUM???!!!???) and the trauma they caused, but I do feel the need to explain myself in a public forum. Well, a public forum that is for all intents and purposes private. In any case, my boycott is the reason I don’t want to go see a movie with you. It’s not because I don’t like you, although there’s a good chance I don’t. It’s because of James Cameron. Fuck that guy.
Avatar changed everything. I didn’t even pay to see it; my friend had an extra ticket. In fact, had the theater not been so loud and crowded, I would have snoozed for a few hours and gone home happy. Sadly, circumstances were such that I watched, and subsequently decided to boycott the movies.
It takes a really shitty film to destroy the theater-going experience forever, and an even shittier film to accomplish that feat while being essentially free of cost. Avatar was just such a film. I don’t feel the need to rehash all of the inanities (UNOBTANIUM???!!!???) and the trauma they caused, but I do feel the need to explain myself in a public forum. Well, a public forum that is for all intents and purposes private. In any case, my boycott is the reason I don’t want to go see a movie with you. It’s not because I don’t like you, although there’s a good chance I don’t. It’s because of James Cameron. Fuck that guy.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
More News from Down Under
Let’s keep the Australia theme alive with a little discussion of Mel Gibson, shall we? What a crazy fuck. Here’s a quick rundown of his preferred targets:
Jews
We first learned about Mel’s aversion to Jews upon the release of the Passion of the Christ, which didn’t exactly put a positive spin on the Chosen People. Cut to a few years later, and we find a soused Mel fingering the Jews as the root of all evil. He tried to excuse his behavior through the strategic use of the old dipsomaniac gambit (“I was drunk and didn’t mean what I said”) but the billions of people who’ve been drunk and managed to refrain from denigrating an entire race didn’t buy it.
Blacks
Mel seemed so friendly with Danny Glover in those halcyon Lethal Weapon days, but he must have just been a better actor than we thought. As we all now know, he was recently caught on tape likening black men to pack animals and implying that they’re roving rapists, albeit in language richer than mine. Oddly, despite the appalling and overt racism in this career-ending comment, black people were actually little more than an ancillary target. In making this statement, the real butt of his rage was…
Women
Yes, women. Although Mel’s insinuation that black men are animalistic sex offenders is admittedly strong enough to stand on its own, the real kicker is his follow-up assertion that his ex and the mother of one of his children in fact deserves to be a victim of the imaginary “pack of [rapist] n*****s.” In another choice threat, Gibson reportedly told his ex, "I am going to come and burn the fucking house down...but you will blow me first." Oh, and she also claims that he knocked out her two front teeth while she held their infant in her arms. Lovely.
Hispanics
His use of the word “wetback” in order to refer to his nanny seems to have been little more than an afterthought.
Mel, if you’re reading this, and you’re obviously not since you’re probably pretty busy with damage control at the moment, I have a suggestion. Given the unexpected success of the dipsomaniac gambit several years ago, this time try a variation. The Tourette’s defense works every time…
Jews
We first learned about Mel’s aversion to Jews upon the release of the Passion of the Christ, which didn’t exactly put a positive spin on the Chosen People. Cut to a few years later, and we find a soused Mel fingering the Jews as the root of all evil. He tried to excuse his behavior through the strategic use of the old dipsomaniac gambit (“I was drunk and didn’t mean what I said”) but the billions of people who’ve been drunk and managed to refrain from denigrating an entire race didn’t buy it.
Blacks
Mel seemed so friendly with Danny Glover in those halcyon Lethal Weapon days, but he must have just been a better actor than we thought. As we all now know, he was recently caught on tape likening black men to pack animals and implying that they’re roving rapists, albeit in language richer than mine. Oddly, despite the appalling and overt racism in this career-ending comment, black people were actually little more than an ancillary target. In making this statement, the real butt of his rage was…
Women
Yes, women. Although Mel’s insinuation that black men are animalistic sex offenders is admittedly strong enough to stand on its own, the real kicker is his follow-up assertion that his ex and the mother of one of his children in fact deserves to be a victim of the imaginary “pack of [rapist] n*****s.” In another choice threat, Gibson reportedly told his ex, "I am going to come and burn the fucking house down...but you will blow me first." Oh, and she also claims that he knocked out her two front teeth while she held their infant in her arms. Lovely.
Hispanics
His use of the word “wetback” in order to refer to his nanny seems to have been little more than an afterthought.
Mel, if you’re reading this, and you’re obviously not since you’re probably pretty busy with damage control at the moment, I have a suggestion. Given the unexpected success of the dipsomaniac gambit several years ago, this time try a variation. The Tourette’s defense works every time…
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Put Another Shrimp on the Barbie...
Australia is a pretty fucking cool country. Here are a few of my favorite things about it:
1. Australia mislaid a Prime Minister…I’ve been rereading Bill Bryson’s Australian travel book, In a Sunburned Country, and in it Bryson writes that an Australian Prime Minister in the 1960’s went out for a swim and was never seen or heard from again. In any other country on earth, this would be noteworthy, but it’s easy to go missing in Australia, which brings me to my second favorite thing about Australia.
2. So many ways to die…
You could meet your maker after meeting a riptide; this is a pretty likely explanation of the PM’s disappearance. Your vehicle could break down in the outback, leaving you to die of thirst. A kangaroo could box the shit out of you. One of Australia’s 750 gazillion deadly snakes could bite you; one of the 800 gazillion deadly insects could do the same. You could be eaten by a crocodile in an inland body of water. You could be eaten by a shark in the ocean. Your tourist boat could head back to shore, leaving you to fend for yourself at the Great Barrier Reef. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that only the one PM vanished; I would have thought at least 2 or 3 others would have become dingo munch.
3. Still British after all these years…
For reasons unknown, Australians retain certain British attributes we Americans did away with years ago. They enjoy cricket, and don’t consider tea-drinking to be gay. They haven’t tossed the Queen off of their money, but then again neither have our shifty neighbors to the north, Canada. Also they drive on the wrong side of the road, but in the southern hemisphere that could actually be correct; I don’t fully understand the intricacies of our planet’s equatorial division.
4. It’s like America only different…Vestigial British-ism aside, Australians are Americans’ evil twins; we’re Captain Kirk and they’re Captain Kirk with a mustache. They spend dollars, live in states, and their male inhabitants wear shorts without compunction. They are by all accounts outgoing and friendly, and they love a good barbeque. There’s a preponderance of pre-fab subdivisions from the middle part of the 20th century, antipodean Levittown’s if you will. Like Americans, Australians made off with a country by murdering and dehumanizing its original inhabitants, a people far better equipped than Europeans to cope the vicissitudes of life in the new world, which conveniently segues into my fifth point.
5. Aboriginal Australians are more awesome than Native Americans…Here’s how Native Americans became Native Americans: a long time ago, they wandered over a land-bridge from Asia to what is now Alaska, and spread out over North and South America. How dull. Here’s how Australian Aborigines became Australian Aborigines: we’re not really sure. We do know that, since it has never been connected to a landmass north of New Guinea, the Aborigines must crossed the ocean to reach Australia via New Guinea. Strangely, despite having been a seafaring people at some point in their history, the Aborigines were land-bound at the time of the first European colonization of Australia. Although genetic evidence suggests that aboriginal Australians are descended from the first human migrants out of Africa, their isolated existence has meant that their languages and cultures are essentially unrelated to any others on earth. As for their beliefs, good luck understanding “dreamtime,” an aspect of Aboriginal religion and mythology that refers to both the time of creation as well as a separate spiritual timeline running concurrently with our own.
6. I declare this land…Australia is home to a bizarrely high percentage of the world’s micro-nations. In essence, Australians, more so than other people, are prone to declaring their own homes to be sovereign states. I don’t think I can articulate just how or why this is cool, but I also don’t think I need to. Clearly, Australia (and Aeterna Lucina, Atlantium, Rainbow Creek, and any other independent nation therein) is a kickass place.
1. Australia mislaid a Prime Minister…I’ve been rereading Bill Bryson’s Australian travel book, In a Sunburned Country, and in it Bryson writes that an Australian Prime Minister in the 1960’s went out for a swim and was never seen or heard from again. In any other country on earth, this would be noteworthy, but it’s easy to go missing in Australia, which brings me to my second favorite thing about Australia.
2. So many ways to die…
You could meet your maker after meeting a riptide; this is a pretty likely explanation of the PM’s disappearance. Your vehicle could break down in the outback, leaving you to die of thirst. A kangaroo could box the shit out of you. One of Australia’s 750 gazillion deadly snakes could bite you; one of the 800 gazillion deadly insects could do the same. You could be eaten by a crocodile in an inland body of water. You could be eaten by a shark in the ocean. Your tourist boat could head back to shore, leaving you to fend for yourself at the Great Barrier Reef. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that only the one PM vanished; I would have thought at least 2 or 3 others would have become dingo munch.
3. Still British after all these years…
For reasons unknown, Australians retain certain British attributes we Americans did away with years ago. They enjoy cricket, and don’t consider tea-drinking to be gay. They haven’t tossed the Queen off of their money, but then again neither have our shifty neighbors to the north, Canada. Also they drive on the wrong side of the road, but in the southern hemisphere that could actually be correct; I don’t fully understand the intricacies of our planet’s equatorial division.
4. It’s like America only different…Vestigial British-ism aside, Australians are Americans’ evil twins; we’re Captain Kirk and they’re Captain Kirk with a mustache. They spend dollars, live in states, and their male inhabitants wear shorts without compunction. They are by all accounts outgoing and friendly, and they love a good barbeque. There’s a preponderance of pre-fab subdivisions from the middle part of the 20th century, antipodean Levittown’s if you will. Like Americans, Australians made off with a country by murdering and dehumanizing its original inhabitants, a people far better equipped than Europeans to cope the vicissitudes of life in the new world, which conveniently segues into my fifth point.
5. Aboriginal Australians are more awesome than Native Americans…Here’s how Native Americans became Native Americans: a long time ago, they wandered over a land-bridge from Asia to what is now Alaska, and spread out over North and South America. How dull. Here’s how Australian Aborigines became Australian Aborigines: we’re not really sure. We do know that, since it has never been connected to a landmass north of New Guinea, the Aborigines must crossed the ocean to reach Australia via New Guinea. Strangely, despite having been a seafaring people at some point in their history, the Aborigines were land-bound at the time of the first European colonization of Australia. Although genetic evidence suggests that aboriginal Australians are descended from the first human migrants out of Africa, their isolated existence has meant that their languages and cultures are essentially unrelated to any others on earth. As for their beliefs, good luck understanding “dreamtime,” an aspect of Aboriginal religion and mythology that refers to both the time of creation as well as a separate spiritual timeline running concurrently with our own.
6. I declare this land…Australia is home to a bizarrely high percentage of the world’s micro-nations. In essence, Australians, more so than other people, are prone to declaring their own homes to be sovereign states. I don’t think I can articulate just how or why this is cool, but I also don’t think I need to. Clearly, Australia (and Aeterna Lucina, Atlantium, Rainbow Creek, and any other independent nation therein) is a kickass place.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Vicarious Drug Addiction
I used to be completely obsessed with the show “Intervention.” For about two years, this was absolutely my favorite television program. I’m no longer a devoted viewer; watching pathetic drug addicts engage in self-destructive behavior gets a little dreary after awhile. There are, however, some pretty great episodes, the highlights of which I would like to share.
Betsy
This woman was an unemployed former kindergarten teacher who, despite drinking five bottles of wine a day in order to avoid withdrawal, denied being an alcoholic. And we’re not talking your run-of-the-mill withdrawal. Not only would this lady shake and vomit, she would also shit uncontrollably. If you need alcohol in order to be in charge of your own bowels, it’s time for rehab. Betsy’s intervention was a success in that she got on an airplane to go to treatment, and a failure in that she flew back home before setting foot in the facility.
Cristy
This bitch was a seriously deranged meth addict. Her residence looked like a garage, except filthier. Additionally, she was in the process of writing a book which inexplicably involved a lot of arithmetic and talk about her own divinity. She stripped to earn her keep, but appeared to genuinely enjoy it inasmuch as she chose to be naked more or less all the time. Cristy’s intervention was a success in that, after being *tranquilized*, she boarded an airplane to go to treatment, and a failure in that she was tossed out after 30 days due to disruptive behavior.
Jennifer
This episode was nothing to write home about, but Jennifer had an absolutely charming habit that deserves a mention: she would drink, vomit, and then drink her own vomit. I shit you not.
Miriam
This is scheduled to air on July 12, 2010. According to the A&E website, Miriam, a reverend at a wedding chapel, is addicted to PCP. Although I too am named Miriam, I’m sadly not the subject of this episode. At least I don’t think I am. With all the PCP I ingest, it’s hard to know for sure…
A Public Service Announcement:
I’m a nerd, so my experience with hard drugs is basically non-existent, but I feel confident in saying that whatever the government and anti-drug people tell you about pot and cocaine and ecstasy, they’re exaggerating. Obviously drugs aren’t healthy, but your D.A.R.E. officer was completely full of shit.
Meth, on the other hand, is terrifying. Your teeth fall out, you become emaciated, and then completely lose your mind. Remember a few years ago when that guy went berserk, driving a tank through the streets of Los Angeles? Meth. The rampage only ended when the LAPD killed him.
Betsy
This woman was an unemployed former kindergarten teacher who, despite drinking five bottles of wine a day in order to avoid withdrawal, denied being an alcoholic. And we’re not talking your run-of-the-mill withdrawal. Not only would this lady shake and vomit, she would also shit uncontrollably. If you need alcohol in order to be in charge of your own bowels, it’s time for rehab. Betsy’s intervention was a success in that she got on an airplane to go to treatment, and a failure in that she flew back home before setting foot in the facility.
Cristy
This bitch was a seriously deranged meth addict. Her residence looked like a garage, except filthier. Additionally, she was in the process of writing a book which inexplicably involved a lot of arithmetic and talk about her own divinity. She stripped to earn her keep, but appeared to genuinely enjoy it inasmuch as she chose to be naked more or less all the time. Cristy’s intervention was a success in that, after being *tranquilized*, she boarded an airplane to go to treatment, and a failure in that she was tossed out after 30 days due to disruptive behavior.
Jennifer
This episode was nothing to write home about, but Jennifer had an absolutely charming habit that deserves a mention: she would drink, vomit, and then drink her own vomit. I shit you not.
Miriam
This is scheduled to air on July 12, 2010. According to the A&E website, Miriam, a reverend at a wedding chapel, is addicted to PCP. Although I too am named Miriam, I’m sadly not the subject of this episode. At least I don’t think I am. With all the PCP I ingest, it’s hard to know for sure…
A Public Service Announcement:
I’m a nerd, so my experience with hard drugs is basically non-existent, but I feel confident in saying that whatever the government and anti-drug people tell you about pot and cocaine and ecstasy, they’re exaggerating. Obviously drugs aren’t healthy, but your D.A.R.E. officer was completely full of shit.
Meth, on the other hand, is terrifying. Your teeth fall out, you become emaciated, and then completely lose your mind. Remember a few years ago when that guy went berserk, driving a tank through the streets of Los Angeles? Meth. The rampage only ended when the LAPD killed him.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
For Your Consideration ....
I’m full of good ideas. Here are three of the best:
IDEA I
Disclaimer: As with many of history’s great ideas, this one presupposes a level of wealth that is most assuredly out of your reach.
As a rule, people prefer clean and tidy to filthy and squalid, the only exceptions being those poor people who exploit themselves on reality shows about hoarding. Unfortunately, cleaning is no fun. The solution since time immemorial has been for the poor to clean up after the rich in exchange for food scraps, but it’s so hard to get good help these days. In those heady years just prior to the French Revolution, members of the court at Versailles would relieve themselves in palace corners, knowing that some unfortunate soul would be dispatched to properly dispose of the royal poo. That kind of domestic staff devotion just doesn’t exist anymore.
The solution? Build a house and destroy it. Don’t do dishes, don’t do laundry, don’t even buy a vacuum cleaner. Poo wherever you’d like. It doesn’t matter, because in a month you’ll be moving house. As you’re busily destroying your current abode, a second house is under construction and will be ready by the time the stench becomes overwhelming. Pack up the kids, if they haven’t yet become wards of the state, and get out of Dodge. Repeat in one month’s time.
IDEA II
La-Z-Boys for everyone. The destructively uncomfortable chairs in public places, particularly in offices and airports, need to be ripped out and replaced with La-Z-Boys. I’m shocked that this idea hasn’t already taken off. Obnoxious coworkers and flight delays are so infuriating, and a cozy armchair would really soften the blow. As a corollary, pajamas should be considered acceptable public attire, particularly in the workplace.
IDEA III
Environmentally speaking, public transportation has an edge over cars. Sadly, public transportation is a great source of misery for all who use it. In New York, the trains are filthy, unreliable, and full of homeless people who want to talk to you about Jesus. In Japan meanwhile, public transportation perversion is rife. If the gaze of a female commuter drifts downward, she’s likely to discover rubbing up against her, the exposed penis of a stranger. Clearly we should replace all current subway and bus routes with roller coasters.
Turning urban centers into giant fun parks is a sure-fire way to increase morale. Riding a roller coaster to work may not be clean and it may not be reliable, but it will be fun. Additionally, the screams will drown out any of that silly Jesus talk and the seat restraints will reduce the incidence of sexual assault. Taken to its logical conclusion, this plan will result in goofy animal costumes for transportation workers and the peddling of cotton candy at every stop.
IDEA I
Disclaimer: As with many of history’s great ideas, this one presupposes a level of wealth that is most assuredly out of your reach.
As a rule, people prefer clean and tidy to filthy and squalid, the only exceptions being those poor people who exploit themselves on reality shows about hoarding. Unfortunately, cleaning is no fun. The solution since time immemorial has been for the poor to clean up after the rich in exchange for food scraps, but it’s so hard to get good help these days. In those heady years just prior to the French Revolution, members of the court at Versailles would relieve themselves in palace corners, knowing that some unfortunate soul would be dispatched to properly dispose of the royal poo. That kind of domestic staff devotion just doesn’t exist anymore.
The solution? Build a house and destroy it. Don’t do dishes, don’t do laundry, don’t even buy a vacuum cleaner. Poo wherever you’d like. It doesn’t matter, because in a month you’ll be moving house. As you’re busily destroying your current abode, a second house is under construction and will be ready by the time the stench becomes overwhelming. Pack up the kids, if they haven’t yet become wards of the state, and get out of Dodge. Repeat in one month’s time.
IDEA II
La-Z-Boys for everyone. The destructively uncomfortable chairs in public places, particularly in offices and airports, need to be ripped out and replaced with La-Z-Boys. I’m shocked that this idea hasn’t already taken off. Obnoxious coworkers and flight delays are so infuriating, and a cozy armchair would really soften the blow. As a corollary, pajamas should be considered acceptable public attire, particularly in the workplace.
IDEA III
Environmentally speaking, public transportation has an edge over cars. Sadly, public transportation is a great source of misery for all who use it. In New York, the trains are filthy, unreliable, and full of homeless people who want to talk to you about Jesus. In Japan meanwhile, public transportation perversion is rife. If the gaze of a female commuter drifts downward, she’s likely to discover rubbing up against her, the exposed penis of a stranger. Clearly we should replace all current subway and bus routes with roller coasters.
Turning urban centers into giant fun parks is a sure-fire way to increase morale. Riding a roller coaster to work may not be clean and it may not be reliable, but it will be fun. Additionally, the screams will drown out any of that silly Jesus talk and the seat restraints will reduce the incidence of sexual assault. Taken to its logical conclusion, this plan will result in goofy animal costumes for transportation workers and the peddling of cotton candy at every stop.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Shhhh.... I'm Studying!
Because my significant other and I realized that an in-ground pool will be vital to our future happiness, we have to get rich. I’ve thusly determined that law school, preferably at a university that is both elite and stifling, is in my future. Because studying for the LSAT is taking up most of the time previously devoted to drafting these splendid blogs, I had to come up with something quick and easy to write. So here are two of my favorite items from this week’s free morning papers.
The NYPD is on the lookout for a female shoplifter who has been targeting beauty shops and making off with pricey cosmetics. She has managed to elude law enforcement by concealing her identity prior to engaging in any illegal activities. Because ski caps and Richard Nixon masks are so overdone, our lady criminal prefers to disguise herself as a cat.
A gentleman was overheard on the Staten Island Ferry explaining to tourists that Staten Island is home to the smartest people in the world. As hilarious as this conceit is, it gets better. The gentleman then pointed to a nearby landmass and referred to it as the home of the stupidest people in the world: New Jersey-ites. Sadly, he was pointing at Brooklyn.
The NYPD is on the lookout for a female shoplifter who has been targeting beauty shops and making off with pricey cosmetics. She has managed to elude law enforcement by concealing her identity prior to engaging in any illegal activities. Because ski caps and Richard Nixon masks are so overdone, our lady criminal prefers to disguise herself as a cat.
A gentleman was overheard on the Staten Island Ferry explaining to tourists that Staten Island is home to the smartest people in the world. As hilarious as this conceit is, it gets better. The gentleman then pointed to a nearby landmass and referred to it as the home of the stupidest people in the world: New Jersey-ites. Sadly, he was pointing at Brooklyn.
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