Whip it out, boys!!

Photographs of disembodied dicks are not sexy. In fact, if sexy had an opposite, it would be a random erection straining a pair of boxer briefs. I’m confident that every woman on earth is with me on this one, which leads me to wonder one thing: why do men persist in sharing such pictures with the opposite sex? After all, I don’t think women, as a whole, are sending mixed messages. There may be a few stray weirdos out there, but in the wake of Weinergate, the general female consensus has been something along the lines of, “Gross,” or, “What a gross pervert,” or, “Gross.”

I can only conclude that women are not really the intended audience for crotch shots. Just as women dress for other women – men would mostly prefer women to not dress at all – men whip out their dicks for other men. You know, to show them who’s boss. I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at the infamous pictures for any significant length of time, but I gleaned from “The Colbert Report,” that Weiner is packing, and if you’re packing, why not share it with the world?

Intriguingly, if my theory is correct, this whole business has played out perfectly. Had the girl in Seattle been the only recipient of those photos, his penis would have elicited nothing more than a stray comment, probably including the word, “gross.” She would have immediately deleted the picture, written off the Congressman as a sexual deviant, and gone on with her life. But now every American has seen Anthony Weiner’s weiner (I didn’t want to play on his name, but my inner child is a 14-year old boy) and on some level he couldn’t be happier. Any reasonable person would react to 300 million people seeing his or her genitals by moving to Peru or committing suicide; Weiner’s not going anywhere.

Which is not to say that I think he should resign; he’s a politician, so it goes without saying that he’s unreasonable. Anyway, sending pictures of your dick to other adults is inconsiderate and unsavory, but it’s not really criminal, nor is it necessarily indicative of a lack of professional judgment. That creepy bastard, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, had little choice but to resign, not because he’s a predatory asshole, but because he can’t head the IMF – or France – from prison; sexually assaulting women makes him a bad person, not a bad economist. Similarly, Anthony Weiner is manifestly a shitty husband and a slimy Facebook friend, which isn’t the same as being a bad legislator. So I say let his constituents determine his fate. If they want him to stick around, and at least for the moment they seem to, don’t rush to oust him and his penis.

A final thought: If I were registered to vote in the state of New York, I would be among Weiner’s constituents, most of whom are elderly Jews. Is my neighbors’ willingness to forgive and forget evidence that they too are fans of sexting? Super gross...