Where is my protractor when I need it?

Thought #1
Bananas are the most stress-inducing of all the fruits – green when you put them in your shopping cart, a lemon-lime hue once you hit the register, and perfectly ripe when you arrive home. From this moment, you have approximately 4 hours to ingest the whole bunch before they rot. Too much pressure.

Thought #2
Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner should pitch a Wayne’s World-style show to VH1, a light-hearted discussion of politics and ladies. Schwing.

Thought #2A
Eliot Spitzer should parlay his (theoretical) VH1 fame into a run for president, since he seems not to lend credence to the notion of bipartisanship. I don’t care if he fills the Cabinet with hookers as long as he forces rich fucks to pay taxes.

Though #2B
Anthony Weiner should parlay his (theoretical) VH1 fame into a career in porn. My only qualm is that the movie title “Weinergate” is probably already taken.

Thought #3
There’s not a person on earth who enjoys spending 40 hours every week sitting in an office. That’s a fact. Instead of continuing to torture each other and ourselves, we should take a page out of the South American drug cartels’ book, and collude. With a little teamwork, I’m sure we can work out a superior arrangement.

Thought #4
The most useful class I ever took was a typing clinic in the 7th grade. How is it that typing is not a mandatory aspect of a child’s education, but trigonometry is? Here’s how I know this is ass-backwards: I’ve never had occasion to use trigonometry outside of school, but I did just have occasion to type it.

Thought #5
I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but there’s something about certain pieces of tacky art that is indubitably Christian. You might be looking at nothing more than a painting – or a “commemorative plate” – depicting an eagle flying over a mountain, but it just smacks of Jesus. Kind of insidious, really, considering that art of this ilk could wind up adorning the homes of non-believers, simply because they have terrible taste.