Swarthy Young Men Reciting the Constitution

I suppose I feel it’s somehow incumbent upon me to weigh in on the whole Ground Zero mosque “controversy.” First off, I’d like for everyone to stop referring to it as the Ground Zero mosque. It’s not at Ground Zero, which, by the way, is nothing but a hole in the ground. If we really had such reverence for that particular location, we probably would have gotten our shit together enough to erect at least a fucking statue or a hut or something. As it is, we should really stop patting ourselves on the back for having survived a relatively small-scale terrorist attack almost a decade ago, at least until we’ve managed to make something positive come of it. All we’ve done thus far is start a couple wars and park some extra cranes in downtown Manhattan. As you may have gathered by now, and probably could have guessed, I’m siding with the liberals on this one.

It’s a scientific fact I just made up that conservatives have a lot of wet dreams. On TV they only talk about the one where the swarthy young man recites the Constitution, clad in nothing but a stars ‘n stripes loin cloth, kindly donated by Ted Nugent. What they don’t tell you is that the tanned hunk only memorized the 2nd Amendment. Not that conservatives would admit such a thing, even to themselves. Their perpetual avoidance of honesty means they can’t just call a spade a spade and say, “We don’t like Muslims so we’d like to suspend their 1st Amendment rights.” Instead, they’ve come up with all sorts of other inane reasons to shit all over America.

I fear I’m starting to sound a little earnest, and I would hate for that to happen. Patriotism has always struck me as pretty goofy, so I really have no problem with people shitting all over America. What I do have a problem with is people shitting all over America while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, emphasis on “under God.” You’re either blindly devoted to the Constitution or you’re not. I’ve never really understood how blind devotion to anything came to be considered a positive attribute, but there you have it. I don’t understand a lot of things.
I also don’t especially have a problem with people not liking Muslims. I personally don’t like anyone, Muslims included, but if you’re not ready to spew bile at Christians and Jews, you’re not ready to spew it at Muslims. I’m not saying there’s no difference between the three religions. It’s undoubtedly true that Muslims are, by and large, more interested in killing Americans than are Christians and Jews, but then again Christians and Jews get treated pretty well around these parts; the construction of a church or synagogue a few minutes away from Ground Zero wouldn’t even make the papers.

To conclude, unless we’re going to halt the construction of all religious buildings, an idea whose time has come, Muslims can put mosques and community centers in any location that’s properly-zoned for non-residential facilities. Ta-da. Problem solved. Now if we could only have Glenn Beck put down…