In George We Trust

George Carlin once said, “I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” Me too…

1. Phone calls. It’s the 21st century, so you can stop calling me. The good lord gave us email and text messages so that we might communicate without listening to each other’s stupid little voices. Take advantage.

2. “Between he and I.” When it comes to grammar, don’t err on the side of fancy.

3. New York City. When I first moved out here, the residents always asked if I thought it was “exciting.” No – I’ve been to Detroit. Now THAT’S an exciting city. New York’s skyscrapers are adorable and all, but my sympathetic nervous system won’t be ignited by anything less than a dozen dead hookers in a vacant lot.

4. Anything vanilla-scented. Next time, choose a more grown-up scent, like cigarettes or mothballs.

5. The majorly duck-footed. My stance on the matter is that they’re indefensible. I just can’t stand the sight of them.

6. Forgetfulness. I suspect it’s selective more often than not, which means a lot of these assholes are choosing not to process information they don’t find interesting. I’m not interested in anything you say either, but I still listen.

7. Pedestrians shocked by the presence of cars in the street. The street is where cars live, yet a discomfortingly high percentage of people wander off the sidewalk without looking, only to be stunned by the sight of cars barreling toward them. If a driver can prove in a court of law that just prior to impact the pedestrian he hit was surprised, the driver should walk.

8. Canadians. People in Arizona and California hate Mexicans, but in the upper-Midwest it’s the goddamn Canadians, infecting us with their goofy accents and preposterous-looking currency – if there’s a duck on it, it’s not money.

9. People talking in public restrooms. You may not be attempting to construct an elaborate illusion of privacy, but I am. Shut the fuck up.

10. Daylight Saving Time. It’s great to leave the office in daylight, but getting up this morning was profoundly traumatic.