Suspicion of Creepiness

Although I’m presently working on a more in-depth blog about overrated musicians, I did want to take a moment to say that I honestly think it’s possible to gauge a person’s sanity based only on appearance. A mustache, for example, is a clear indication of some sort of mental disturbance. Many have remarked that an oddly high number of history’s most evil men have sported mustaches, and I personally believe mustaches are disproportionately prevalent among perverts, although I don’t have any evidentiary support for my conviction.

I started thinking about this because that dipshit who went and shot a bunch of people in Arizona bears a striking resemblance to Uncle Fester. STRIKING. UNCANNY. I don’t know if it’s possible for a real person to have an identical twin who is a fake person, but based on Jared Lee Loughner’s mug shot this prospect merits scientific investigation. If we have members of the extended Addams family running around causing all kinds of mayhem, we need know about it so it can be properly addressed.

It’s not just the aforementioned spree killer, whom I renamed Uncle Lester about 5 minutes ago. The list goes on and on. Timothy McVeigh? Clearly the kind of guy who might be brewing up a batch of nitroglycerin in his trailer. The Unabomber? No one in history has looked so manifestly nuts. John Wayne Gacy? Not only was he fat, greasy, and mustachioed, his predilection for clown makeup was practically a confession in and of itself; if his neighbors saw him all gussied up and didn’t know he had a few dozen boys buried under his porch, they were clearly retarded.
There are exceptions to the rule, Ted Bundy being perhaps the most famous. Charming law students only infrequently rape and murder huge numbers of women, so his victims really can’t be blamed for failing to see it coming. The other anomaly who comes to mind is Jeffrey Dahmer. No one ever mentions this, but before prison, where he porked up and was given a pair of pedophile eyeglasses, he looked like a 1950’s matinee idol. Tab Hunter or something. His overwhelming strangeness in manner and affect possibly hinted at the heads he had stuffed in his refrigerator, but you wouldn’t have guessed it from appearance alone. It’s obviously not possible to pre-empt the misbehavior of these folks, so we can only hope we don’t encounter them.

Now I know you’re all wondering of what practical use these profound insights might be. The answer is creepy profiling. If you have facial hair, a trench coat, or you happen to resemble, say, Herman Munster, the police should stop you periodically, just to make sure you’re not on your way to flash school kids or shoot arrows at hikers or whatever other unsavory activities weirdos get up to. If you’re able to prove that you simply have terrible taste and unfortunate genes, you’re free to go. If not, you’ll be detained on suspicion of creepiness.