Snorting lines off courtesans’ asses and other pursuits of the British aristocracy

I think we can all agree that I’m on track to write my generation’s “Citizen Kane.” It’s really only a matter of time. Here are my thoughts so far…

Setting: The rambling country estate of Lord Buckinghamptonshirceister, circa 1873.

Cast: Sir Derek Jacobi as Lord Buckinghamptonshirceister and Dame Maggie Smith as Lady Buckinghamptonshirceister, a “no-sex-please-we’re-British”-style couple. Once the script solidifies, Helena Bonham Carter might be thrown into the mix.

Director: Lord Richard Attenborough

Plot: After being diagnosed with some fanciful 19th century illness – I’m thinking consumption – Lady Buckinghamptonshirceister decides that the time has come for her to really live. She and her husband embark on a journey to discover the true meaning of life, and the all-consuming importance of love.

Tone: NC-17. Dame Maggie Smith snorts lines off courtesans’ asses, while Sir Derek Jacobi rediscovers his youthful passion for “le vice anglais.” Helena Bonham Carter will swan around in the nude, as per usual.

Now that the movie’s all sorted out, who should I thank in my Oscar acceptance speech?