Romney in 2012

Come the 2012 election, I would advise you all to vote Republican. Hear me out.

It’s increasingly clear that in the eyes of Republicans, whatever Obama does – and I mean WHATEVER – is wrong. Ipso facto, dead fucking wrong. Perhaps a fair-hued Democrat would face less scrutiny, but I suspect not. I’m inclined to believe Republicans when they claim they’re not racist, which is to say I’m inclined to believe they’re completely insane and amoral and willing to oppose any and all policies supported by Democrats, irrespective of skin color. Ergo, a Democrat in the White House can accomplish nothing.

A Republican in the White House, on the other hand, can take care of business. He can raise the debt ceiling and taxes, and regulate industry without anyone blinking an eye; indeed, if history is anything to go by, Republicans in the White House aren’t shy about betraying their small government ideals when it becomes expedient to do so. Sure, with a Republican president, we’ll have to hear all that talk about overturning Roe v. Wade and defending the indefensible Defense of Marriage Act, but given the state of the global economy, I’d happily give up my right to have an abortion or marry a ladyfriend in order to prevent the Great Depression Part Deux. Anyway, it’s unlikely that Republicans would actually make any real headway on social issues; those ancient relics in nursing homes – the ones who are dying or becoming too infirm or senile to vote – are the people most distressed by social progress, so it stands to reason that with the march of time, America will become more liberal.

We will not, however, become savvier on the economics front. It ain’t called the dismal science for nothing. People get bored stupid when you talk money. They don’t understand it, they don’t want to understand it, and they never will understand it. Want proof? Republicans are busily and successfully convincing voters that the US credit rating was downgraded because of Obama’s profligate spending, despite the fact that Standard & Poor’s took the unusual step of publicly blaming the downgrade on House Republicans’ refusal to increase government revenue. I mean, any buffoon with even a cursory understanding of investment can work out that a noisy, extended debate on the possibility of defaulting on our financial obligations didn’t exactly inspire confidence in potential lenders. That, apparently, is too much thought for most people, who would rather just believe whatever words come out of Michelle Bachmann’s mouth.

So let’s get a Republican into the White House. Not a Teabagger – I fear they might earnestly believe all the bullshit they spew – but an opportunistic conservative, someone who’s a Republican for mostly pragmatic reasons. Perhaps Mitt Romney. He’s bland enough to make a decent ringer. So, there you have it. My advice: vote Mitt Romney 2012.