So, what are you going to do about it?

The America of our collective imagination is dead. That upwardly-mobile, egalitarian paradise where all you needed was a dollar and a dream no longer exists; these days it takes more than that to worm your way into a homeless shelter. Show me 1 working class kid who graduates from Harvard Medical School, and I’ll show you 100 high school dropouts; show me 1 middle class kid doing better than his parents, and I’ll show you 100 who are un- or underemployed. We have to do better. My generation deserves the shit we were made to believe we were entitled to – a living wage, a house, a car, a family, a decent education, healthcare, etc. – and there are two things standing in our way: old fucks’ greed and their constitutional inability to admit they’re wrong.

Let’s start by discussing the greed. Although to the broke masses it may appear otherwise, there’s still plenty of money in the United States. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the money is all in the grubby hands of a few greedy, reprehensible, middle-aged white dudes, and Oprah. This, according to fiscal conservatives, is the system our Founding Fathers – and maybe even Jesus Christ himself – handed down to us. Bullshit. This country was founded on a wave of Enlightenment republicanism, and “republicanism” with a lower-case r is more about preventing tyranny by the rich than tyranny by the queers.

And tyranny by the rich is, by the way, eminently preventable. We tend to erroneously view the economy as some sort of mythical beast beyond our control. We forget that we ARE the economy. We made it, we sustain it, and when it plummets, it’s because we let it. It’s not difficult to unearth the reasons we find ourselves where we are today. Take our ill-advised, quasi-religious reverence for free-trade. The outsourcing of labor to overseas sweatshops where foreign workers are paid pennies on the dollar is why America no longer produces anything tangible; since the manufacturing sector was a major employer up until the 1980’s, its dissolution has had a pretty devastating economic impact.

Of course, the government could regulate this kind of thing; they certainly used to back in the age of American prosperity. They simply choose not to because they exist in a climate of covetousness and cronyism and secrecy. As long as robber-barons have the legal right to donate money to elected officials – bribe them, to use the vernacular – corporations will have the legal right to maximize profits by any means necessary, profits which they need not share with rank-and-file employees. Greed is socially corrosive, and not the natural order of things. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Now on to my second point: it’s time for fiscal conservatives and proponents of laissez-faire economics to admit defeat. Obviously the privileged few players in this game who are winning won’t give up their money bags without a fight, and why should they? The system worked for them. For those of you who are losing, it’s time to reexamine your political positions. It’s time to realize that you’ll never be in the top 1%, that you’re closer to a bum on the street than a millionaire. Most of all, it’s time to be held accountable. You’re responsible for the fact that the country’s deficit is skyrocketing while corporations and rich people remain criminally under-taxed; for the existence of the Rust Belt; for the 85% of recent college graduates who have to move back in with their parents after failing to find adequate employment; for the under-funded public schools that fail children so badly that fewer than 50% of them read at grade level. Your votes brought us here, and you were wrong. It’s as simple as that.

Does anyone remember Kirk Cameron?

“Kirk Cameron criticizes Stephen Hawking for saying ‘there is no heaven.’” This is apparently news to the Washington Post, which is why no one reads newspapers anymore. I mean, honestly, do we really care what some 80’s sitcom star-turned-evangelist thinks about science? Some people probably do, but they should be put down.

That being said, the article is mercifully short, and bursting with amazing Kirk quotes. Try this one on for size: “Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.” This from a guy who, at his peak, shared screen time with a character named “Boner.” Forgive me for doubting his scientific bona fides.

Having roundly trounced Stephen Hawking in a battle of wits, Cameron goes on to claim that, “to say anything negative about Stephen Hawking is like bullying a blind man. He has an unfair disadvantage, and that gives him a free pass on some of his absurd ideas.” Harsh, Kirk. I don’t know if Jesus would outsmart a cripple and then kick him when he’s down.

I also don’t know if Jesus would imply that a cripple’s unfair disadvantage is in reality his greatest – and most unfair – advantage. Personally, I would probably murder puppies to avoid winding up in poor old Stephen’s shoes, but I guess it’s all in how you frame it. And, hey, apparently if you’re gimpy, Cambridge University will fast-track your tenure, so it’s not all bad.

Grandma and Grandpa, maybe you shouldn't have wasted your money!

Good reasons not to go to college…

1. You’re probably dumb.

2. Since the evaporation of viable blue-collar careers, college graduates have flooded the labor market. Anyone with even a cursory understanding of economics knows that if you flood the market with a commodity, the commodity loses value, which is exactly what has happened to the undergraduate degree. The BA is the new high school diploma, the minimum level of educational attainment for jobs that didn’t require a 4-year degree as recently as a decade ago. These days, secretaries, data-entry clerks, and bank tellers are college graduates. It’s not as though these jobs realistically need to be filled by people who have a solid understanding of modern English poetry, but in any given year there are enough young adults moving from academia into the working world that companies can afford to have discriminating tastes.

3. It’s crazy expensive, and you can’t afford it. Almost no one can, hence student loans, which are a massive source of debt. When I say massive, I mean massive. The amount of debt incurred by students attempting to cover their school fees is over $800 billion. And what was a major contributing factor to the complete collapse of the US economy? Well, debt, of course. All those graduates now working as unpaid interns and part-time administrative assistants will spend the rest of their lives paying off vast student loans, with interest. That’s a serious problem.

4. Yes, these days it’s essentially impossible to cultivate a lucrative career without an undergraduate degree, but it’s also become essentially impossible to cultivate a lucrative career with one, so fuck it. Try your hand at organic farming or go to New Zealand to shear sheep or something. Learn the art of cheese-making. Live simply, and save yourself the time and debt.

5. As if the sheer number of college graduates hadn’t already destroyed the value of a college education, now we have to contend with for-profit universities doling out degrees willy-nilly. The fact that you can earn an economics degree at the University of Phoenix makes my economics degree from an actual university less attractive to potential employers, who’ve encountered plenty of functionally illiterate econ grads. I say down with the for-profits. Their tuitions are high, their accreditations questionable, and their educations shitty. If your degree is from a school that allows you to earn your GED while accumulating college credits, it shouldn’t count.

6. Even the educations offered by elite schools have gone downhill, which I suspect has a lot to do with the low-quality of the average high school education; getting all A’s at a public school is no great achievement these days. That coupled with the fact that the SAT is becoming less and less important in the determinations of university admissions officers leads me to wonder just how exactly schools are vetting prospective students these days. My suspicion is that there’s a lot of emphasis unduly placed on extracurricular activities, and other pretty useless bullshit, which is why your average college freshman is all energy and enthusiasm signifying nothing. For my American readers that was a witty allusion to Shakespeare, best known on these shores for his CliffsNotes.