HELP!! My Future Depends on Learning How to Bullshit

The most unfortunate aspect of law school admission is not, as some claim, the LSAT. With a decent brain and some practice, you’ll do well enough on any standardized test to get where you want to go in life. No, the most unfortunate, pathetic, miserable aspect of law school admissions is the personal statement. Now you might think that, as someone who regularly drafts personal statements for this blog, I would be at an advantage. You would be wrong. You see, a personal statement for law school admissions is effectively a single-spaced page brimming with bullshit, and bullshit is not my forte. This may be an indication that law school isn’t the right place for me, but that’s neither here nor there.

The problem is that I was a late-bloomer. When I was in high school, bullshit was completely anathema. I had some silly, adolescent principle that one should be honest, irrespective of whatever trouble such infantile behavior might bring. What this means is that while everyone else was being nice to teachers’ faces, saying and doing the right things to ride out their teenage years as smoothly as possible, I was busily sharing with anyone who would listen my overwhelmingly negative views on just about everything. I missed out on years and years and years of bullshitting practice, and have never quite caught up. So, however easy writing may come on non-bullshit topics, I’m fucked when it comes to bullshit.

So what do I say? That from the time I was a little girl I dreamed of being a lawyer? That’s patently false. Since I knew I was going to be a rock star or a roller coaster designer or a member of some royal family, lawyering didn’t deserve a moment’s consideration. Sadly, at about age 6 I was discovered to be so musically untalented that it’s almost contagious, and after failing to construct so much as a cube out of Legos, it became abundantly clear that, in the interest of protecting human life, I should not be responsible for the construction of anything, thrill rides most definitely included. Then came the final blow: I learned that, as a non-royal, I have no shot at entry into any monarchical family. It seems they eschew outsiders, preferring instead to just fuck each other and pop out little retarded hemophiliacs to take their place.

I didn’t settle on law school until I finally came to terms with the fact that my adult dreams of cake-testing and elf-hunting would not come to fruition, and that’s not the kind of statement that’s going to grab an admissions officer and guarantee me acceptance. So I need help. I need help because I have to construct a work of non-fiction fiction, and I don’t even know where to begin. Here are some key words I think might play well:

Asthma
Economics
The EU
Social change
Synchronized swimming
Theodore Roosevelt

If you can dream up a way to combine these words into one kickass piece of bullshit, I’m open to suggestions.