What Not To Watch

Is it just me, or does television get worse by the day? Here’s a little rundown of some of the more appalling programs and genres that have recently come into existence.

Hole in the Wall
“Hole in the Wall” was cancelled almost immediately after its first airing, which gives me some faith in our national intelligence. Anyway, this was a game show in which contestants, preferably fat contestants, would be dressed in skin-tight jumpsuits and stood in front of a series of colored walls, each containing a cut-out. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Our pathetic, obese players would be expected to amuse the masses by contorting their fat rolls into ridiculous positions in order to jump through each wall’s cut-out. I’m not sure when exactly it became socially acceptable to lose one’s dignity on national television in exchange for a modest payout, but I consider it evidence of the human race’s devolution.

Little People, Big World, et al.
Television executives appear to have learned a valuable lesson over the past few years, and that lesson is that everything’s better with midgets. Want to film some run-of-the-mill family buying groceries and paying bills? If they’re midgets you’ve got a hit on your hands. Then there are those Animal Planet midgets who rehabilitate Pit Bulls. The beauty of this format is that even if the dogs themselves are a little raggedy-looking, the show’s teensy-weensy humans can pick up the cuteness slack. God, there are so many more. Midgets baking cakes, midgets getting married, midgets having babies, midgets, midgets, midgets. Can someone explain to me why this isn’t viewed as the egregious exploitation of an oft-maligned group?

Pawn Stars, et al.
Pawn shop proprietors are hot right now. Again, this isn’t a genre I’m into, so don’t really know what these shows are about, but I picture a white trash Antiques Roadshow. A junkie walks into the shop carrying a Glock he inherited from a friend who OD’d. The junkie managed to hang on to the gun for about a week since it had sentimental value, but now he’s broke and needs to score. He and the shop’s owner have the sort of altercation that makes nice, middle-class people exceedingly uncomfortable before the junkie is given $20.00 and ordered out of the store. At this point, the camera cuts to the owner who says, “It’s sad what these people do to themselves, but we have a job to do,” or other, similar words that sound like they mean something but don’t. Cut to a commercial for the endless buffet at Golden Corral.

New Jersey
Enough with these orange assholes. Here are some things I’m not interested in seeing on TV: Guidos binge-drinking, pumping iron, or contracting herpes.
Here’s something I would be interested in seeing on TV: Guidos jacked up on anabolic steroids, murdering each other.

The Real Housewives of Detroit
OK, this show doesn’t exist yet, but it’s only a matter of time before they run out of other cities.